"Bloodrayne: Third Reich" proves Uwe Boll still sucks the big one

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Bloodrayne: Third Reich 2011Uwe BollMichael Paré, Natasha Malthe, Brendan Fletcher, Clint Howard Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Bloodrayne: Third Reich(2011)

There are few constants in this universe, sure. There is death. There are taxes. Then we have the simple fact that EVERY Uwe Boll movie will suck the teste’s off a donkey. A foolish man would think, “With practice Boll has got to get better.” The simple fact is the universe has already dictated that any movie with the name Uwe Boll attached will suck really really badly.

If you didn’t read the above and come to your own conclusions let me recap. “Bloodrayne: The Third Reich” sucks! Not only does it suck as a movie, but also sucks in just about every way a movie can suck. Screenplay = sucks. Acting = sucks. Cinematography = sucks. Direction = Uwe Boll. Uwe Boll = sucks.

Now that I’ve cleared up how crappy this movie is we can move on to the more saddening parts of a trilogy that doesn’t have the decency to prove that a vampire movie don’t always have to “suck.” Pun totally intended.

This movie proves how depressing the career of some actors is. Personally, I’ve always though Michael Paré was a cool actor. I saw him in “Streets of Fire” as a kid and always thought he was something of a badass. In this movie he continues to prove that his career is just a big joke. We aren’t talking joke in the way that a Canadian’s career typically is joke, but more that it’s simply sad. I think if Tarantino would use him in something Hollywood, by which I mean real Hollywood and not whatever Boll is trying to enter into is, we would see the value in Paré. With a good director I think he’d do a good job in a film, but instead he accepts a paycheck from Boll and calls it a day. Sad.

Then there is Clint Howard. LOL, yeah we can all see Clint in a Boll movie (or two in this case), so lets move on…

Natassia Malthe is proving to be BFF’s with Uwe Boll. As such she is adequately sucking at being a good Rayne and is making sex scenes, lesbian and straight alike, seem as awkward as any that Tommy Wiseau can make. Not only does the eye-candy factor fail, but it fails to inspire little willies everywhere, too.

I’d like to take a moment to give a half-hearted prayer to the careers of Brendan Fletcher and Zack Ward(not in this film, but still in other Boll movies). After working with Boll several times we can bid their serious careers as actors farewell.

As a final note, I’ll point out that the story feels incomplete. For some reason the movie eludes to the fact that Hitler will become a vampire, yet we never see this happen as Pare takes his portion of armpit blood from Rayne and then steals Hitler’s portion, too.

All in all I guess we can learn a lesson from Pare in this film. It’s better to suck on a random woman’s sweaty armpit than watch an Uwe Boll film.


Bloodrayne: Third Reich2011Uwe BollMichael Paré, Natasha Malthe, Brendan Fletcher, Clint Howard  Bloodrayne: Third Reich2011Uwe BollMichael Paré, Natasha Malthe, Brendan Fletcher, Clint Howard 

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