Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

GI Joe and why you shouldn't watch it. (UPDATED)


First I'll list a few simple reasons:

1. Stephen Sommers

2. Remember Helsing, it'll be that bad.

3. Remember how great the trailer for Mummy was and how not so the movie was. This'll likely be the same case.

4. Marlon Wayans... riiiight.

5. Delta 6 accelerator suits. Even though they were such a huge part of the cartoon. What? They were never in the cartoon!?! [NEW]

6. You know that just watching Sienna Miller isn't worth $9.50 and 2 wasted hours of life. [NEW]

7. Arnold Vosloo isn't punk rock enough to be Zartan. [NEW]

8. Destro's design. [NEW]

9. Cobra Commander's design. [NEW]

10. Stephen Sommers.

Let's face it. We are all on the same boat here as we were for Transformers. We see flashy effects, "big" names, and slow motion running/jumping and we are suckered into thinking, "Hey, this could be as cool as the cartoons I watched as a kid." Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but IT WON'T. Using my psychic powers I can tell you what will happen on 8/7/09. You will walk in the theatre, sit, watch trailers for more bad Hollywood movies, then shake your head for two hours as you realize that you have just blown $9 and soon two hours of your life, too. Yes, you will think that the trailer looked like it could be good, but the movie was shit.

I know, I know. How do I know these things? Well, maybe because it happens time and time and time again.

One more item that should have been in the five points above should probably be Dennis Quaid. I'm sorry, but at this point we can all agree that Dennis Quaid is who you get when you just can't get any real star. Why haven't I added him to the list? Well, because even though he sucks the guy does have a little charisma, so I'll give him a break... This time!

Another thing that makes me pause about this movie (not that I was interested in seeing it from the start) is the writers like working with Dennis Quaid so much they added an extra 15 minutes of screen time to his character. Not because the story needed it or because it would help develop his character, but because they liked the guy. This sounds like stellar writing if I have ever read about it before.

One last point. Why is it whenever you make a movie with characters whose commutes are of varying colors do they all get redesigned to be wearing black. I understand muting the colors out a little, but come on. This also goes back to what I have said in the past (pre-this-site). Just because you name a character a certain name doesn't mean that it is that character. If it doesn't look like Destro, doesn't sound like Destro, it must not be Destro.

Along with this costume design mess i have to ask, "What is this accelerator suit business?" I don't recall this from the original series, ever.

On an "interesting" note, Zartan is in this. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned him into a vampire in this movie. Furthermore, is he going to turn purple when exposed to sunlight?

In conclusion, don't see this movie in the theatre. If you give Hollywood money for the crap they make they will think that you want crap, so they will make more, you guessed it, crap! Boycott the bad and only give your money for the good. Hopefully, Hollywood will follow the rules of supply and demand and start making something worth watching.

Side Note: As far as number 2 - I'm sorry, but anyone who can take a movie with Dracula, Frankenstien's Monster and the Wolfman and mess it up has some serious issues as a filmmaker.


And the proof comes piling in. No Press Screening is available for the film and now the word is spreading on how much it is likely to suck.

See: http://www.usatoday.com/

Also: http://www.studiobriefing.net/

Also, I believe the rumor that Sommers was kicked out of the editing room and that there was a horrible screening of the film. Of course the producers are going to deny or calm down the storm. They just tossed millions into a failure.

HERE is a breakdown by boston.com about the little no screening ploy.

Inviting fanboys like Harry Knowles does not constitute a real honest review on GI Joe as a movie.

PS. When your budget is this big there is no excuse for a bad film!

And we're off!

HERE is a great (very Bitter Balcony) blow by blow review of the first night watching GI Joe, by Newsweek.

Source of the Bitter: JAS

Comments, rants and other stuffs below
JAS on Fri, 10/23/2009 - 5:31pm

Due to spam comments are being turned off for this article. If you still want to talk about it please start a new post at our forum.

Thanks for understanding!

Darius63 (not verified) on Wed, 10/21/2009 - 1:24pm

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Nothing Ness (not verified) on Wed, 08/05/2009 - 1:05pm

One mistake people make when watching these kind of movies is to think that it will be as good as the original... The G.I. Joe story has been told. This new movie is simply another person's anachronistic interpretation. Though sometimes a poor job is done, these people are trying to keep our old heroes alive through modernizing of characters and story. Just take it for what it is. A secondhand retelling. Or alternate universe. This movie does not come to undo the comics or shows we enjoyed in the past. It just comes to retell and hopefully get a decent payday. I plan to watch this movie, perhaps more than once. And to those who criticize: If you don't think this is a good movie, I challenge you to make a better one. If you know what's wrong, fix it... Or stop whining.

JAS on Wed, 08/05/2009 - 1:43pm

I don't expect the original. In fact, a fully faithful remake of this specific cartoon would just look silly (unless done in 3D CG).

If Hollywood is willing to fork over the dough I would love to make an attempt at making a better one. Until that day, the whining continues.

John Rojas on Tue, 08/04/2009 - 4:31pm

As the editor of this page I must disagree with my partner JAS. Sienna Miller is THE ONLY REASON to see this movie! This is the hottest turn for an actress since Natalie Portman made the pink wig a recurring item in wet dreams in Closer. Also, if Sienna pulls this baddie off she will go from Jude Law's former shag bird to superstardom, mark my words. Sienna-lalalalalala!

JAS on Tue, 08/04/2009 - 5:22pm

I can not argue with this post when there is a line like, "Sienna-lalalalalala!" Well played John.

Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 08/03/2009 - 10:04pm

Sooo, Cobra Commander is a blue eyed villain. I always got the vibe in the cartoon that Destro was black, of course now he is a white villian.

Meanwhile, Ripcord is now black, and keeps forcing himself on Scarlett (who used to be with Duke in the cartoon) I wonder if he uses the typical line "whatsa matta baby? ya don't like blacks?" in order to guilt her into a relationship...

xcacalito on Wed, 07/29/2009 - 8:51am

I am sure with this they will make a remake. That is all I have to say. I am not that excited on what i see on the previews Just like the toy line. First GI joes were army men, Huge full figures in the 60's as you all know. Then in the late 80's they brought them back as little figures held by a rubber band in the waist. Fun , in which you can spin them around like crazy. You twist their torso over and over again. Then they would twist lile crazy making them have this attack punch. Unfortunately, that little band that would hold their legs,torso and waist together would snap. So then you would have a crippled Joe. He would only be worth for minimal missions. Such as, taking suicidal Bombs into Cobra Headquaters or going into fire volcanos. Not going away from my opinion..... Why can they stay with one original idea... stay with the cartoon. This is why GI-JOE is great. No you make suits. Silly Power suits. Are you out of ideas? ..cause if you are you can always use the original? You will make a remake. Just like they did with HULK. They did this in the Incredible HULK 2008. They decided to make it like it originaly is like in the comic and the TV series. Hollywood stop being creative with something that has already been created and works. Don't remake pop culture.

AtoMic domhnall (not verified) on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 10:16pm

Transformers was a cartoon for kids. So was G.I. Joe. Some argue that setting high expectations for movies based on cartoons for kids is a foolish, elitist expectation. But what about the Dark Knight? Batman has been a series of comics, cartoons, live action television shows, toys, etc. most of which were targeting children. Yet there have been 3 groups of films, one very good, one we'd all like to forget, and one that proves that there is absolutely no reason to not strive for excellence in translating a children's property to film.

I am afraid G.I. Joe will follow in the footsteps of Transformers so many others, rather than those of the Dark Knight and 300.

As such, I sought to make a realistic Cobra Commander costume, one that would be representative of Cobra as a real terrorist organization that were a grown-up version of its cartoon counterpart. And I wanted to do it before I had even the slightest clue of what the Rise of Cobra commander costume would look like.

With a little inspiration from SideShow Collectibles, I came up with this:


There are some really awesome helmet/mask versions out there, but few decent hooded versions. As such, I wanted to create a decent one. My budget was not that huge... but imagine what they could have done with the Hollywood-sized budget of the Rise of Cobra???

Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 07/30/2009 - 10:31pm

Nicely done Cobra Commander costume.

I hope this movie flops.

JAS on Sun, 07/26/2009 - 12:13am

I too believe that all they are doing is making lame ass excuses for the lack of talent that they have. The base material they have to work off can be made into a great movie. One with action AND a story with interesting characters. These properties have the potential to really suck. I'm not blind to the fact that the shows are from the 80s and if translated exactly would be cheese, buit there is a good foundation to work with.

The costume linked above.

On a more important note, Dude! That costume ROCKS! The contacts are a great touch! The only criticism that I can give is that I wish the mask was heavier/flowier material, but this is me being the critic that I am. :) Have you worked on other costumes?

You should join up and comment around the site. It'll be good to hear more about your work (when it relates to movies on the site, but PM or email me whenever you have something else). If you get enough stuff I can post something about the bulk of your work, too.

If you take a picture like the "Cobra Commander wants you" I'll add in the text and replace that picture in the post with yours. :)

Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 11:07pm

This movie is pants.

I do kind of like mindless action flicks in theater and don't generally expect much out of them, but the trailer was so lame I felt embarrassed watching it.

I'll also toss another item onto your list of reasons to avoid this like the plague:

Sienna Miller - I haven't seen her do anything even remotely impressive and she's skanky. I can vaguely recall being aware at 4 or 5 when watching the GI Joe cartoon of the fact that the Baroness was teh hotness. She might be the reason that I get all goobery over brunettes the way some guys do over blondes. But I digress. Sienna Miller seems to be the British equivilent of white trash, and I have NO idea as to how she keeps finding work.

Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 1:39pm

You are the first man I hear say this about Sienna Miller. Agreed.

Seriously (not verified) on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 1:52pm

G.I. Joe : Resolute (animated series) has more toughness and cajones than this ridiculous "Rise of Cobra". C'mon we're not unintelligent people. We should know when a movie looks awful and avoid it. And this looks awful. thanks for telling it like it is bitterbalcony! Then again "American Idol" is a "popular" tv show. Signs of armageddon I tell you.

JAS on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 2:59pm

I'm glad you mention Resolute. I'll be writing a review on that for sometime this week, so keep an eye!

People still are wanting to see it (the live action movie). There are a bunch of ways that we convince ourselves that a course of action is correct even though we know better. Damn you, human nature!

Agreed on "American Idol"! We aren't doing TV "yet", but there will be plenty of trashing reality shows which are doing nothing, but waking up the Kraken and eventually bringing on the end of days!

Thanks for reading, Seriously. Sign up and pitch in! There's nothing like finding solidarity with people who hate bad movies. :)

Adam T (not verified) on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 11:11am

While I respect the above argument, I have my own reasons to see the film.

1) The trailers are very promising. Say what you will about The Mummy or Transformers; this isn't either of those movies. And even the best marketing team ever can't show you better footage than what's in the movie.

2) Dennis Quaid is the only name, but some great unsung actors have major roles: Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Rachel Nichols, to name a few. And don't knock Quaid so quickly (but that's another conversation).

3) Stuart Beattie, one of the most capable working screenwriters, had his hands on this the whole way through.

4) This is the only action film for the rest of the summer, and with Transformers leaving us cold and Harry Potter mainly drama, I need a serious adrenaline shot.

5) I love movies. I try to see a new one every week, which exposes me to a broad range of genre and quality. If I don't see this one, I have to see The Perfect Getaway. I think I'll take this one.

Looking forward to your responses.

Kickey (not verified) on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 11:51pm

See the Hurt Locker. That is a movie that deserves attention. Not taking a movie, any movie, and giving it to the director of Van Helsing. I do agree with you about Stuart Beattie though. Collateral is one of my favorite movies.

JAS on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 1:11pm

I'll give my input on your top 5:

1. Unfortunately, it's the best scenes in the movie that usually make it into the trailer, which usually leads to disappointment. If my point here is correct this will make for a bland movie.

2. I have a feeling that there will be little meat for these actors to show their stuff with. Recent Hollywood blockbusters are lacking on character development and I'm sure Stephen Sommers isn't adding anything exciting to the mix. (I did give Quaid some compliments. He's got charisma, so I'll give him a little slack) :)

3. He wrote Joey and a movie called Bra Boys... I'll give him credit on 30 Days of Night, but I'll have to investigate further... I'm sure there are more capable screenplay writers out there though.

4. Agreed! 100% This summer has blown the big [deleteds].

5. I haven't heard much about Perfect Getaway, but you are probably right to avoid it. You should get some older DVDs. There are plenty of other good movies worth watching than either of these two.

6. Stephen Sommers. (I know you didn't have a 6th spot, but I feel he have to remember that he is doing a thing he calls directing for this film)

Thanks for commenting! Keep it up!

Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Tue, 07/14/2009 - 7:00pm

Funny article, but if you followed his advise and avoided every summer blockbuster release like the plague as some sort of protest against Hollywood studios, then you would miss out on great films like The Dark Knight, X2, Spider-Man 2, Iron Man, and tons of other great films or at least films that are fun to watch.

Seeing a bad movie is a risk you take when you watch any film, whether it's an indie film or a big blockbuster - the latter doesn't have a monopoly on crappy films. It seems that a true movie fan would see a movie based on what looks interesting to them, not just on what was well-reviewed.

Plus (and let's be serious - if a little cynical), Hollywood studios aren't going to stop making big blockbusters any time soon, no matter how many you boycott or protest. The formula rarely fails them. Not that I don't believe in the power of nonviolent resistance, but I think that there are other things worth protesting than a couple of bad movies.

JAS on Tue, 07/14/2009 - 7:01pm

No, you misunderstand. I was bashing blockbusters on the whole, but I did support Iron Man, Dark Knight, and Spiderman because they were made by talented people and the trailers also helped.

What I am getting at is we should avoid movies that are going to obviously be bad, like this one. There is little talent, a poor director and obviously no sense of what the original characters were like (hooky as they may be).

I love big blockbusters, but they can be good movies too. I think there is a sense that there has to be a trade off when it comes to big summer movies. Big action movie = mediocre and low budget = good. This is totally not the case.

I just think there is no excuse for making a bad movie when you have the money to afford the right talent to make it a great movie.

For instance, I have my fingers crossed really hard for District 9.

Make sense?

JAS on Wed, 07/15/2009 - 8:17pm

Fair enough. It just sounded like you had given up on summer movies in general in the article, which doesn't make much sense to me.

Honestly, even though the trailer makes it seem more than a little silly and Stephen Sommers track record isn't too great (although I liked both of his Mummy movies), I'm willing to give G.I. Joe a chance.

Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 2:30pm

First of all I like movies. Second, I like big summer action movies. Third, most big summer movies are dumb as hell. Fourth, I like MST3K so when all else fails, I can laugh at cheesiness & ridiculousness & crap. I don't care. Did anyone ever really expect a class-act GI Joe movie? I mean seriously you guys? Seriously.

Any you know what? I like Steven Sommmers. He makes big, (dumb) action advention summer tentpole movies that are for entertainment only. I go to the movies for entertainment, not emotional enlightenment. If I wanted to be moved, I'd go eat some taco bell while watching a lifetime movie while sitting on the toilet.

So, will it suck? Oh, yeah. Would i rather have a movie plex dominated by slumdog millionaires and doubts and the readers and whathaveyou oscar bait nominees for 12 months out the year in leiu of these types of movies? Oh, hell no!

Can big, dumb action adventure movies be done BETTER?

EVERYTHING CAN BE DONE BETTER. So please quit your bitching and just try and have phun!

JAS on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 2:43pm

I agree that I don't expect much out of a G.I. Joe movie, but this doesn't even look like it will be all that entertaining. I'd rather they had gone the total CG route and made something camp that was closer to the cartoon.

I can't in good conscience agree with liking Stephen Sommers. I think he's a pretty poor director.

Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 9:23am

No interest.

JAS on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 2:54pm

Ever since the late 80s ended there has been a serious shortage of Bazookas in action movies!

Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Sat, 07/11/2009 - 6:39am

Enough is enough. This world hugging, marketability shit has ruined one of my best childhood memories. GI Joe is an Amercian fighting force. FUCKING AMERICAN! Cobra is an American terrorist organization grass roots funded by a failed business man. FUCK they fucked this movie up! God damn call it Xmen 4 Rise of the Fail.

I hope....I PRAY...this movie bombs. I hope they lose thier ass on it. So they can wallow in thier world market shit hole they dump every movie in.

Everyone knows what "GI" stands for right? Sure isn't fucking NATO.

Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 07/26/2009 - 4:19pm

"GI Joe is an Amercian fighting force."

Just like in the original source material? Hell, the cartoon in the 80s was called "A real American Hero"

"Cobra is an American terrorist organization grass roots funded by a failed business man."

Again, Just like in the original source material?

"Everyone knows what "GI" stands for right? Sure isn't fucking NATO."

It stans for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity if you really wanted to know.

On that note, do you have a clue what you're talking about?

Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Tue, 07/14/2009 - 7:00am

You have just described why I would not have seen this movie even if it did not suck ass. fucking political correct whoring.


JAS on Sat, 07/11/2009 - 10:31am


Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Fri, 07/10/2009 - 11:12pm

Lacklustre arguments... let me throw a better one out there...

$10+ Movie Tickets vs $9 DVD prices?

JAS on Fri, 07/10/2009 - 11:14pm

I took the philosophical route of argument. You're taking the practical.

If I was to take the practical route for movies I'd go to the theatre twice a year - and walk out disappointed 50% of the time.

Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Wed, 07/08/2009 - 10:36pm

¨If it doesn't look like Destro, doesn't sound like Destro, it must not be Destro¨
Great quote!!

and the same goes to Zartan:

  • http://www.slashfilm.com/wp/wp-content/images/gijoecharacters.jpg
  • What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?
    Conan The Barbarian.

    Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Wed, 07/08/2009 - 10:34pm

    Same Cr*p we hear at imdb.com.

    If he hasn't seen it, & doesn't even want to give it a chance, Why listen to him. He's not saying anything we havn't heard a 1000x.

    Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Tue, 07/14/2009 - 7:04am

    You don't have to taste shit to know that it tastes .... well ... like shit. I am sure some people will enjoy it on some level - but come on, you don't think you can get a hint that a movie is fail without seeing it? Anyone else here old enough to remember 'The Punisher' with Dolf Lungren? - I don't recall anyone being surprised that it sucked, there were plenty of clues going in.



    JAS on Tue, 07/14/2009 - 8:40am

    Haha - agreed with the exception of Punisher. Sure the movie was crap, but I found it entertaining and loads better than that Thomas Jane version (but then - this isn't saying much).

    JAS on Fri, 07/10/2009 - 3:37pm

    Oh, we will review GI Joe! We'll do so with an open mind, too. Lets face it though - with the talent involved (or lack there-of) and the trailer we can assume where that review will be going. :)

    Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Wed, 07/08/2009 - 10:33pm

    The only part I would take issue with is Marlon Wayans, who showed he can act in Requiem for a dream, but I'll rescind that critique with the scary double feature of white chicks and little man.

    Between your faith and my Glock nine millimeter, I'll take the Glock.

    JAS on Fri, 07/10/2009 - 5:35pm

    I agree! He did show some talent in Requiem, but I think the body of his work is too heavy to save him from sinking.

    Mr. or Ms. Bitter Person Jr. on Fri, 07/10/2009 - 5:36pm

    Absolute truth!