Jack the Giant Slayer (A.K.A. A giant pile of dung)

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Jack the Giant Slayer 2012Darren Lemke,Christopher McQuarrie,Dan StudneyBryan SinterEwan McGregor,Nicholas Hoult,Stanley Tucci Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Jack the Giant Slayer(2012)
 

Brought to you by Brian Singer we get an adaptation of “Jack and the Beanstalk” for the big screen. Yes, typing that last sentence was taxing because we aren’t joking. We can only assume that Singer had some contractual obligation to make this movie and had no choice. This adaptation has giants, a beanstalk and they say “fee fye foe fumm” in it. The rest is just Hollywood trying really hard at making the old tale into a blockbuster and failing in the process.

We follow Jack. He’s a nobody with good intentions, but after defending the princess she quickly takes a liking to him. She eventually visits his home, which I have no idea how she knew where it was, and a beanstalk seed meets water whisking her up to the floating land of the giants. Jack, who clearly likes the princess, volunteers to help rescue the princess. A group of the kings best, Jack and the princesses betrothed make it to the giant’s land and seek out the princess. Naturally, the giants have the princess and so the rescuing begins. The giants eventually come down to the surface of the human world to wreak havoc.

The script for this film is the most juvenile attempt at writing a screenplay we’ve witnessed in a while. The idea of the film is a joke in itself, but the fact that they use booger and fart jokes in it just… We can’t even… Every character is a cliché we’ve seen ten thousand times before, nothing original is brought to the tale and it takes forever to get to the disappointing giants. It's hard to believe that it took three people to write this movie.

The CGI in this film is atrocious. The giants are so clearly fake/bad CGI that we can’t understand the reason why they even tried to make it a live action film. If your special effects aren’t special at all just go full digital 3D animation on the thing, so that at least the audience can forgive it.

The design for this film is laughable. The giants are all cartoon characters that behave like they are in a bad ‘80s animated series. The design for the giants range from afros, big noses, weird head shapes and stupidity so abundant that you can’t even take them serious as a threat to humanity.

The actors do what they are given, but what they are given is mostly a joke anyway, so why bother. The direction is mediocre at best making this giant dung heap a complete waste of time.

Trailer:


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Jack the Giant Slayer2012Darren Lemke,Christopher McQuarrie,Dan StudneyBryan SinterEwan McGregor,Nicholas Hoult,Stanley Tucci  Jack the Giant Slayer2012Darren Lemke,Christopher McQuarrie,Dan StudneyBryan SinterEwan McGregor,Nicholas Hoult,Stanley Tucci  Jack the Giant Slayer2012Darren Lemke,Christopher McQuarrie,Dan StudneyBryan SinterEwan McGregor,Nicholas Hoult,Stanley Tucci 

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