Machete... me in the face because I'm disappointed

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Machete 2010Robert Rodriguez,Alvaro RodriguezRobert Rodriguez,Ethan ManiquisDanny Trejo,Jessica Alba,Robert De Niro,Steven Seagal,Michelle Rodriguez,Jeff Fahey,Cheech Marin,Don Johnson,Lindsay Lohan Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Machete(2010)
 

Those of you who saw "Grindhouse" (in or out of the theater) may recall the mock trailer for a baaad movie that looked amazing. It featured the tagline, "This time they fucked with the wrong Mexican." Time passed and we learned that it was actually being made into a feature film and that made us excited to see it. A few years go by . . . and now “Machete” is here. Was it worth the wait?

Mexican federale, Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo), refuses to bow down to the corrupt police force that is in the pocket of NAME (Steven Seagal). Machete goes nuts trying get to the one person who’ll ‘fess up against NAME and ends up losing everything. Now he’s in the United States as a day worker and is hired by a mysterious fellow who wants him to kill a man. That man is none other than Senator NAME (Robert De Niro). He is betrayed, has to clear his name and kill those who tried to frame him.

All of the above could have been a catalyst for '70s style cheese-cinema on par with "Grindhouse" and "Black Dynamite,” but instead, we get sprinklings of cheese spread over a borderline entertaining movie. Nothing stands out. The extreme violence gets close to giving us what we expected, but the rest is too toned down to come off as funny, ironic or cheesy. The scenes that are “bad” are bad. We wanted purposefully bad direction and editing with a blend of cheesy one-liners. Sadly, there was too little of that to satisfy the itch the mock-trailer gave us.
Danny Trejo is great as Machete, a character we've seen him play in the past ("Desperado"). The odd cast doesn't help the movie the way it could have been helped. De Niro and Seagal in the same movie: How odd and fun could that have been? Jessica Alba proves she's not grown since "Dark Angel," and Michelle Rodriguez is exactly the same character she has played in every movie she's disgraced.

This review is written with some sadness, as “Machete” could have been a lot better. They could have gone balls out with the ‘70s cheese and just that closer with the gore. This was never a mainstream movie and it shouldn't have been put through the same filter. Stream it or rent it, but save the extra theater cost for a better one.

[Painting in the main image by Augie Pagan]

Trailer:

Official website:
Machete

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Machete2010Robert Rodriguez,Alvaro RodriguezRobert Rodriguez,Ethan ManiquisDanny Trejo,Jessica Alba,Robert De Niro,Steven Seagal,Michelle Rodriguez,Jeff Fahey,Cheech Marin,Don Johnson,Lindsay Lohan  Machete2010Robert Rodriguez,Alvaro RodriguezRobert Rodriguez,Ethan ManiquisDanny Trejo,Jessica Alba,Robert De Niro,Steven Seagal,Michelle Rodriguez,Jeff Fahey,Cheech Marin,Don Johnson,Lindsay Lohan  Machete2010Robert Rodriguez,Alvaro RodriguezRobert Rodriguez,Ethan ManiquisDanny Trejo,Jessica Alba,Robert De Niro,Steven Seagal,Michelle Rodriguez,Jeff Fahey,Cheech Marin,Don Johnson,Lindsay Lohan  Machete2010Robert Rodriguez,Alvaro RodriguezRobert Rodriguez,Ethan ManiquisDanny Trejo,Jessica Alba,Robert De Niro,Steven Seagal,Michelle Rodriguez,Jeff Fahey,Cheech Marin,Don Johnson,Lindsay Lohan 

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