Embrace the bitter and post your own reviews!

A review of a movie or TV show.

Bitter Balcony goes to Town with Gigli and the Mad Men guy!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Town 2010Ben Affleck, Peter Craig, Aaron Stockard   Ben Affleck Ben Affleck Chuck Hogan (novel Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Town(2010)

Over our two year existence, Bitter Balcony has had no mercy on Ben Affleck’s cinematic soul. Affleck’s mediocre acting skills and poor film choices made us wonder how this man got that volume of work until recently, when Hollywood gave all of Affleck's roles to Shia LeBeouf. Yet, we have to give credit when its do, and Affleck has realized his abilities are put to better use behind the camera than in front of it. “The Town” is Affleck’s second directed film following the solid “Gone Baby Gone,” once again returning to his beloved Massachusetts for another crime drama.


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Bitter Balcony spends Three Days with The Jackal with Carlos!!!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Carlos 2010Olivier Assayas, Dan Franck, Daniel LeconteOlivier Assayas Édgar Ramírez, Nora von Waldstätten Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Carlos(2010)

Ilich Ramírez Sánchez was at one time one of most feared men in the world. A young Venezuelan revolutionary turned professional mercenary, Ramirez Sanchez fought for a Marxist regime with terrorist tactics against the American and Zionist powers. While he doesn’t make as hip a t-shirt as his predecessor Ernesto “Che” Guevara, Ramirez Sanchez’s operations would strike a lure of his own. Known as “Carlos the Jackal,” the militant earned immortality as a heavy of Robert Ludlum’s “Bourne” series while his real life whereabouts remained a mystery to the Western Hemisphere for nearly 20 years. “Carlos” a three part mini-series, resides between the truth and fiction of the notorious soldier, and within the shroud finds the torn humanity of a man willing to become a monster for his soul-embedded convictions.


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"What just happened?" A review where we ask the same thing.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, What Just Happened? 2008Art LinsonBarry LevinsonRobert Deniro,Kristen Stewart,Bruce Willis,John Turturro,Katherine Keener,Sean PennArt Linson Bitter,Bitterometer,meter What Just Happened?(2008)

“What Just Happened?” it’s not only the title of the film, but what you’ll be asking yourself when this movie is over. How can a movie with so many talented actors be such a steaming pile?

Ben (Robert Deniro) is a producer dealing with the threat of a decline in his Hollywood clout. He has a movie that tested poorly, a director that doesn’t want to make the changes the moneymen want and a marriage that’s two shakes of a lambs tail from over.

The film wants to show the life of a producer in Hollywood. What we get is a bunch of whiny man-children that don’t deserve the huge paychecks they get. I get that artists can be temperamental, but these adolescent temper tantrums do not provide humor or drama. All they do is beg for someone, Ben not being that character, to slap their collective heads and force some reason into these utterly full of shit people.


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Is Rapaport's Special... special?

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, Special  Bitter,Bitterometer,meter Special

Michael Rapaport plays Les Franken, a meter maid who can’t find happiness in his life, in “Special.” He enrolls in a drug study on a promising new antidepressant, but Les experiences slightly different results: he believes that he's developing super powers. Super powers such as smashing into walls (we mean walking through them) and lying on the ground (we mean flying).

Rapaport’s performances are pretty much identical from film to film, and Bitter Balcony has stopped caring. In "Special" he seems more like an overgrown kid with all the annoying mannerisms, insecurities and delusion that come with the package. The whining makes it difficult to connect to his character. Alexandra Holden plays a cute semi-love interest for Les, but her overacting ruins most of her scenes.

The screenplay takes a good idea as a foundation, but could have used a rewrite to expand on the romantic elements and on the character of Les. We can't really connect with what brought Les to want to test this drug, and it affects the film negatively. The film is overexposed and grainy, though watchable.

We suspect that in a few weeks we'll forget this movie exists.




Taking the fun out of frostbite [User Review]

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, 2010 Frozen  (2010)

***** Spoiler Alert *****

Yeah, the movie is named Frozen. Apparently, there have been several movies made named Frozen, all of which are completely different stories by different people. This gem, made in 2010, is the most recent.

I'm going to be lazy and copy the storyline from imdb. I feel that I've wasted 93 minutes of my life on this trash heap, there's no sense spending any extra time writing what has already been written.

“In Mount Holliston, snowboarders Dan Walker, his girlfriend Parker O'Neil and his best friend Joe Lynch don't have enough money to buy cable car tickets. Parker bribes Jason, an employee of the skiing station, with one hundred dollars. When the system is nearing closure, they force Jason to let them have the last pass. However, Jason needs to resolve a problem and his colleague misunderstands his instructions and stops the cable car, and the trio of snowboarders gets stranded on the chairlift on the top of the mountain. When they see that the lights of the ski resort had been turned off, they need to make a choice: leave the chairlift or freeze to death.”

***** Keep reading for the awesome details of this masterpiece *****

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The Room... Tears us apart, Wiseau!

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review,  Tom WiseauTom WiseauTom Wiseau,the rest don't matter and neither does he Bitter,Bitterometer,meter  

Just like “Star Wars” the camera descends on a planet. Planet San Francisco. The Golden Gate bridge is obviously devoid of jumpers. Why? Well, the movie has just started. Legend says the release of this film sent hundreds flocking toward that bridge just to leap to their doom, but that’ll come later… about 99 minutes later.

The first character on screen is Johnny (Tom Wiseau). He enters Lisa’s apartment with a gift. Lisa is strong like bull and luckily for Johnny is appeased by the gift or she might brrreak him. Denny some young chap likes to “watch” them. He’s the thirty-year-old kid that acts like an 8 year-old. You know, the type you expect to drool on themselves at any moment. Why does this kid show up and try to block Tom’s “rooster”? Beats us. But sure enough Wiseau wants us to be the perverts with two sex scenes in the first 15 minutes and more shortly after that. At one point we could swear that Johnny was humping the middle of Lisa’s chest… Dude, a little lower or a little higher, OK?



The Green Hornet: a shitty review for a shitty film.

Bitter, Bitter Balcony, Movie Review, The Green Hornet 2011Seth Rogen, Evan GoldbergMichel GondrySeth Rogen, Jay Chou Bitter,Bitterometer,meter The Green Hornet(2011)

Let’s get it out of the way, “The Green Hornet” is a piece of shit. There, that’s as much eloquence as this trite movie deserves. The rest of this review is a wreck of poor grammar and fragmented sentences. This dung is so loud and obnoxious we’re surprised Jonah Hill wasn’t Kato, which would have made the possibility of getting shot in the face by a double-barrel shotgun a more appealing pastime. I kept nodding off from time to time in the theater, and every time I would wake up I realized why I was falling asleep in the first place.

The only complements I have about my viewing of “The Green Hornet” belongs to the very cozy stadium seats I laid on, which has nothing to do with Seth Rogen or director Michel Gondry. Gondry proves that “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” was such a good Charlie Kaufman script that any half ass filmmaker not named Michael Bay could have done a fair job.

I feel bad for Jay Chou, who makes his American debut inheriting the role portrayed originally by the great Bruce Lee. Yes, Rogen and Gondry managed to fuck up a previous Bruce Lee role. Hopefully Chou will get better work, or at least stay as far away from Rogen as possible.


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