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A review of a movie or TV show.

GI Joe: Rise of the EPIC FAIL

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christopher Eccleston, GI joe, Jonathan Pryce, marlon wayan, review, Saïd Taghmaoui, stephen sommers, bitter balcony

G.I. Joe

You know when a movie starts off with a soapbox and a confirmation of my theories on how it will suck, you are in for an interesting review.

First I have to point out that I have seen some crap. I mean some really bad movies, but I don’t think I have ever seen a movie where the ENTIRE cast supplies such exceedingly poor performances. There is no exaggeration when I say every one. I mean every last person (maybe Snake-Eyes doesn’t count because there isn’t much there for him to do but jump around) does a bad job.



Harry Potter and the Half-Wit Prince


Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

In our previews review I stated that David Yates’ visual style was lacking. Oddly enough this movie is quite the opposite. The shot selection is much more mature and well put together.

The story (screenplay written by Steve Kloves) for this particular chapter in Harry Potter’s life is a lot lighter on cheesy mysteries in comparison to the other films in the series. This will probably not sit well with fans, but personally I feel it’s nice to see some time spent on character development and less on some not-so entertaining mystery.



Bruno - Willkommen zur gleichen Scheiße



What we have here is Sacha Baron Cohen taking a character of extreme nature (a flamboyant fashionista, which is openly gay) and running around public and private places. When I mention private places I also mean those in his pants. The man loves to wave shake, twirl and wiggle his dangling unmentionables in front of the camera every chance he gets.



"One of these Days, Alice, Pow!" Moon review



Finally, after years of memorable secondary performances and quirky leads in indies, underrated journeyman actor Sam Rockwell gets a film all to himself. Of course, he has to be sent to outer space to get it. In Moon, Rockwell follows the footsteps of former co-stars Tom Hanks(from Green Mile) and Nicolas Cage(from Matchstick Men) by attempting to do one better, carry a film with a solo performance like Hanks did in Castaway while playing two characters like Cage did in Adaptation. This off the radar sci-fi from Duncan Jones has the charismatic Rockwell play Sam Bell, an engineer/Astronaut sent to the moon to run the power plant and harvesters that use the Sun to generate energy for the whole world all by himself(this Energy Corporation apparently runs on a low payroll).


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Spawn... me a pill to forget this movie!


Spawn (1997)

Lets start off nice. This movie is bad. Whoops! I slipped.

The screenplay for this film (adapted from the comic by Alan B. McElroy) is a horrible mess. Spawn didn’t have the deepest of storylines, but it was effective in the comic. Adapting this comic should have been a cinch, but it was slaughtered in the attempt to make it commercially viable and entertaining. There are nonsensical changes, too much of Clown, too little of Violator, no dramatic elements to Spawn and don’t get me started on Malebolgia.


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Don't hit that rec button! Rec Review

Jaume Balagueró, Manuela Velasco, Paco Plaza, Quarantine, Rec, review, bitter balcony


Is it a stretch to say that after a bit over 10 years the most influential horror film could be The Blair Witch Project? That camera shaking, out of focus spooker dreaded by epileptics everywhere might be at this point the father of digital first person documentary style terror movie, with is like admitting that Vanilla Ice is the father of white-boy hip hop, sad but true. In all fairness, I did enjoy the concept of the Blair Witch, an experiment in realism in a genre that had become full of cliched "hey, don't have sex or you'll end up split in two by a masked psycho with an axe" antics. In Rec, the directing duo of Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza give us a furious, full gore glory flick that feels like Lenny Nero from Strange Days sold you a squid that looped Night Of the Living Dead into your cerebral cortex.


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The Not-So Spanish Prisoner

Campbell Scott, David Mamet, Rebecca Pidgeon, review, Spanish Prisoner, Steve Martin, bitter balcony

The Spanish Prisoner (1997)

I’ll be serious then I’ll be bitter…

The movie is a strong effort from the late 90’s that feels like an almost independent, but not quite, drama. Well casted and decently executed.

The plot according to IMDB is “An employee of a corporation with a lucrative secret process is tempted to betray it. But there's more to it than that.”


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