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Twilight: New Moon - Romance without a pulse


Twilight: New Moon (2009)

The Bitter Balconites joked about bringing booze to “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” and taking a shot every time we thought the movie sucked, but the idea of dying from alcohol poisoning within the first 15 minutes didn’t sound so great. Unfortunately, the pool that is “Twilight” is as shallow as its characters and I split my skull open upon diving in. The rest of this review is written from the hospital bed. What’s contained in this review is probably half of what is wrong with this film.

The movie opens revealing of the subtitle of the movie, painfully slow. And sadly, this sets the pace for the rest of this movie, which we blame on director Chris Weitz., Holy Pacing! A good 10-15 minutes go by before a character speaks three words – pauses for 5 seconds – and then utters the next three words their character has to say. What are these characters thinking about so much inbetween words? The whole “back at school” thing is pretty slow and the timing screams, “nap time!”

After the slow-as-molasses first 20 minutes, - we are treated to some great pieces of dialogue. Things like:
- “Age is just a number. What are you, like, 40 now?” says Jacob. I laugh because it’s sad.
- “Indian kung-fu” Yeah, funny.
- “I guess the wolf is out of the bag.” Which is considered humor.

The character intros, which are only for the Team Edward or Team Jacob tweener brats, are awkward. There’s a little slow motion drama when Robert “Edward” Pattinson shows up on the screen the second time. What’s the point? We just saw him 90 seconds ago.

Jacob’s (Taylor Lautner) wears a shirt in his reveal. Judging by the buzz on the ’net about his shirtless acting skills, we assumed his first shot would be without one.

Jacob starts hitting on Bella (Kristen Stewart) right in front of wimpy Edward, who does nothing to stop it. Someone hits on my girl in front of me and I’d be inclined to hand him his ass. Either that or kindly ask him to F––– off, but that’s just me.

The cast looks bored. This movie needed Nicolas Cage; he could have upped the boredness-o-meter a little more. Edward even looks bored when blood, their drug of choice, is dripping on the fancy carpet in front of him.

In this new chapter of the “Twilight” franchise we get Girl meets Boy. Boy leaves. Girl meets Puppy. Girl considers letting Puppy hump her leg. Then… Oh, who cares?

Bella confesses to Jacob that she’s broken because Edward has left her and Jacob can never fix her. Jacob, man, accept that you will lose the girl to some flat-faced pale chump and go find a girl who is worth it (good luck with that).

It would have been nice if “New Moon” had focused on other characters. Stewart has talent, but her Bella is boring to watch – and this role sucks. She will make a fortune off this sucky role and be typecast as the bored chick for the rest of her career. What is it that draws the were-moth and vampiric- moth (or is it mosquito) to Bella’s dull flame?

The source material is so lame it should have been rewritten, but this did not factor into screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg’s structure and dialogue choices, so the screenplay gets a big FAIL. Too many questions unanswered:
- Where is the sparkling? What? No sparking? Why is that – because it’s not convenient?
- What the hell do these “bad” vampires do with themselves? Do they just wander around aimlessly to look for shit? Who converted these jackasses? “Hey, you look like a pain in the ass. Want to be a vamp?”
- Topless werewolves? Apparently werewolves can’t wear shirts. It’s not in “the code.”

Bad pacing plagues the action sequences, a combo of slow motion/fast-moving scenes that are poorly shot and visually weak. The Volturi fight, which is supposed to be a cool one, is the worst.

In the end, we get a preachy message about marriage before sex. Seriously? This is what all these fans clamor over? I’d love to see a poll of virgins reading these books. I bet they didn’t wait until marriage.

Plain and simply “New Moon” is an utter bore that should be put to sleep to keep the rest of us from having to suffer through it. Although Dakota Fanning makes a cool vampire and deserves her own vampire series so that SOMETHING may come out of all this suffering.



Official website:

Twilight: New Moon


Directed by: Chris Weitz
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg, Book: Stephenie Meyer
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Anna Kendrick, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Green

Source of the Bitter: JAS

Comments, rants and other stuffs below
LyndiT on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 12:53pm

Okay so it sounds like you suffered... build a bridge and walk over the issues of Twilight, this is a celebration of silly teenage drama that is easy enough to be captured in these days of serious movies that send real messages that shake our programming and demand a call to action, this movie is a break from the stress of the real world, a perfect fit for the times, and even with the non-polish film still delivers something that is making more money than you and I will ever find under any rainbow. So, as you doctor your wounds maybe you will have an epiphany into the world of millionaire drama writing that features one of your favorite things --> Vampires

JAS on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 1:06pm

The problem with this is that the Hollywood moneymen are just like dogs and work through positive reinforcement. That being said, giving a movie that is obviously utter crap a fortune will only make the moneymen produce even more crap.

I personally think that the Twilight series will bring down the already low standards of current Hollywood productions even lower. Twilight will singlehandedly bring down the industry we love and make it only suitable for a bunch of 16 year old brats who can't tell which end is up.

But then... What do I know?

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